Since Fifty Shades of Grey hit the bookstores, a lot more folk have taken an interest in BDSM, which is understandable! Some get a thrill out of it, which is OK, but we advise all newbies to get their facts together before indulging. Our BDSM Guide for Beginners will help you and your partner investigate and define what you want to embrace and what to decline.
It's Not All Whips & Chains
“Bondage & BDSM” is not always about whips and chains. If you’re interested in dipping your toes into these erotic waters but have no idea where to start, our BDSM manual is an excellent place to go.
What is BDSM?
BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. From light bondage and erotic spanking to advanced suspension bondage and electro-stimulation, BDSM can be as hardcore or as subdued as you want. However, it can also be dangerous, so please always proceed cautiously.
Bondage & Discipline
The BDSM Bondage and Discipline concept is sexual interaction where a submissive partner allows themselves to be manipulated by a dominant one.
To restrain the Submissive, the Dominant uses a host of tools, from Shibari (a Japanese rope form of bondage) to handcuffs or simple scarves and neckties. There are, of course, more advanced toys, such as ceiling hooks and bondage cages, which, because of their nature, need to be handled with care.
Discipline in BDSM means behaviour modification through punishments to achieve the desired goals. Both physical, such as cheeky spanking and psychological, such as erotic humiliation.
Dominant & Submissive
In the world of BDSM, there is always a Dominant and a Submissive party. The Doms (responsibly) dominate their partners into compliance. A male Dom is usually called a Master, and a female Dom is addressed as Mistress or Madam. Subs (Submissives) surrender control and all refusal rights to the Dominant to fully embrace the balance of the relationship. As with Doms, Subs can be males or females. Tip: set the roles of Doms and Subs in your relationship before even beginning the show. That way, boundaries can't be misunderstood or transgressed.
Defining Your Roles: Dominant or Submissive
Having differing sexual desires and turn-ons from others can be confusing – yet it is pretty standard. Let us define for you:
A Dominant is the one in control – singularly ruling over the toys. With these commercial or domestic aids, the Dominant thrills and arouses the Submissive.
The Sub surrenders their body to the Master and submits to their commands, usually thrilling in the titillation of capitulation. In a D/S relationship, an ever-strengthening trust is formed and fortified between the partners.
Delving into Dominance
Deciding on your role can feel natural and spontaneous, or it could be testing. As we said earlier, a Dominant is the one in control. Your sexual prowess as a Dom is the result of your being a good leader. You are, after all, leading your partner through potentially dangerous waters, so you need to be confident and able to carry it through.
Being a Dom, therefore, means you take full responsibility for both yourself and your Submissive. So, obviously, transparency is vital in such a relationship. You must be able to communicate clearly with your Sub. If you cannot fully grasp what your Sub is conveying, you cannot take responsibility, and if you cannot take responsibility, you cannot lead.
Seeking Submission
In your heart of hearts, if your foremost wish is to serve someone else, you are probably a Submissive. When you're a Sub, you respond readily and sexually to Dominance directed at or around you. You want and need to be controlled to reach satisfaction.
Just because you are the Submissive does not mean you lack control. Ideally, you will discuss the process with your partner to iron out any discrepancies upfront. Submission is not restricted to gender either - some men are Submissives, which does not necessarily mean they are any less masculine than male Doms. Respect him for his diversity in desires and appreciate his trust in you.
Baby Steps into BDSM
It is advisable to take it slowly when introducing BDSM to your lover. Whispering, “Got anything to tie me up with?” is probably better than surprising them with the idea whilst on a dinner or showing up at their door with corset and whip.
So, what is the first step? That is really up to you. Things like holding the Submissive’s hands down above their head, grabbing a pair of cuffs as you make love, or controlling the timing of their orgasm are all favoured practices. Collars can be a great way to walk the Submissive down that enticing avenue to seduction, and vibrators and dildos can get your lover dripping with anticipation. These, and any number of other tactics, will start you on your adventure together.
A word of advice: have a strategy in place as you commit to your first BDSM episode. It should not be a fractious, disorganised mess. The Dominant calls the shots throughout, so know your roles beforehand and don't be afraid to abandon the whole thing if things get too uncomfortable for you.
Matilda’s Tip: When starting this type of relationship, we strongly suggest creating a Safe Word. It can be anything but one that both parties understand. This will be your escape valve if you're not happy with how things are evolving.
You will find more info in our Intermediate BDSM Guide and our full selection of BDSM toys.
