BDSM for Beginners

It's Not All Whips & Chains

Ever since Fifty Shades of Grey hit the bookstores, a lot more people have taken an interest in BDSM relationships – this is understandable for those who get a thrill out of it. Our BDSM Guide for Beginners should help you and your partner safely investigate and perhaps get more excitement in the bedroom.

Bondage and BDSM is not all whips and chains. If you’re interested in dipping your toes into these erotic waters and adding a splash of kink into your play, but have no idea where to start, we have compiled a little BDSM manual to guide you there.

What is BDSM?

BDSM stands for Bondage (and discipline), Domination (and submission), Sadism and Masochism. From light bondage and erotic spanking to advanced suspension bondage and even electro-stimulation, BDSM can be as hardcore or as subdued as you want it to be. However, we advise you to always be vigilant and careful.

Bondage & Discipline

The BDSM bondage and discipline element is the sexual act where a submissive partner can be trained to perform the way the Dominant chooses.

Restraining the Submissive partner can include a host of tools, from Shibari (a Japanese rope form of bondage) to fluffy handcuffs. There are also more advanced forms of toys, such as ceiling hooks and bondage cages, which obviously need to be handled with caution.

Discipline has more emphasis on behaviour modification through punishments, both physical like cheeky spanking, as well as psychological guilt, such as erotic humiliation.

Dominant & Submissive

In the world of BDSM, there are always Dominant and Submissive parties.

The Dom responsibly of dominates their partner whilst they (the partner) becomes totally obedient to them. Male Doms are often called Masters, and female Doms are known as Mistress or Madam.

Then there are the Subs. Males and females alike can refer to themselves as Subs. Submissives relinquish control over themselves to make way for the relationship dynamic, and surrender all rights of refusal to whatever is asked by the Dominant.

A good start is to set the roles of Doms and Subs into your relationship before beginning activity.

Defining Your Roles: Dominant or Submissive

Having sexual desires and turn-ons different from others can be confusing – yet it is quite normal. Before jumping straight into the bed restraints, we will take you through the two roles to give you a better idea of each.

In short, being a Dominant means to be in control – singularly handling those whips, paddles and chains, blindfolds and gags or restraining cuffs etc.The dominating playmate thrills their Submissive with spanking, flogging and seductive orgasm control. The Submissive will trust their body to their Master and submit to their lead, savouring the pleasure brought on by this capitulation. In a D/S relationship, there is understandably a strong element of trust that is developed and strengthened with each interaction.

Delving into Dominance

Choosing your role can feel natural and instinctive, or it could take some testing.  As we said above, a Dominant is the one in control. If you feel a desire to control your partner’s pleasure, then try dominance. Many of the sexual successes of a good Dominant partner relate to being a good leader. You are leading your partner through some intense pleasuring, after all.  

Firstly, to be a Dominant you must be able to take responsibility for yourself and your Submissive. Communication is key in this situation. You cannot lead if you cannot communicate – we are not talking about screams of pleasure here, but sudden, alarmed warning signals.

Seeking Submission

In your heart of hearts, if your prominent wish is to serve someone else you are probably a Submissive. When you are a Sub you will respond physically and sexually to Dominance exerted at or around you. You will want to be controlled for your satisfaction.

An important aspect to remember is that just because you are the Submissive does not mean you lack control. Ideally, you will discuss the procedure with your partner beforehand. Submission is not restricted to gender - a dominant male and submissive female is not the only way to play, and men who are submissive are not less-than manly. Respect him for his diversity in desire, and appreciation of and trust in you.

The Baby Steps into BDSM

It is crucial to take it slowly, and ease into the BDSM world. Perhaps whispering “Do you have anything to tie me up with” may work better than surprising him with the topic at a dinner date, or showing up at the door in a corset with a whip.

So what is the first step? That is really up to you. Maybe hold the submissive’s hands down above their head, or grab a pair of silk cuffs or handcuffs as you make love to them, or control the timing of their orgasm. Collars can be seductive because you can lead the submissive down a rabbit hole of pleasure. Vibrators or dildos can control your lover's sexual exhilaration. There are any number of methods to start your adventure.

A word of advice: have a plan in place as you commit to your first BDSM adventure. It should not be a fractious, disorganised mess. The Dominant will be the one calling the shots, so know the roles and potentials beforehand. 

Matildas Tip: When starting a BDSM relationship, we strongly suggest both of you agree on a Safe Word. It can be anything but one that is understood by both parties. This tactic can be reassuring if you’re not quite sure about this whole  BDSM concept. Once you learn and understand the basics, you can explore the interesting intricacies of your personal BDSM play together. 

You might also like to see our Intermediate BDSM Guide or study our full collection of Bondage and BDSM toys.